Why Kari Lake should tell Katie Hobbs to get a face tattoo

Aug 5, 2022, 1:00 PM | Updated: 1:06 pm
Kari Lake, Republican candidate for Arizona governor, speaks on stage at the Conservative Political...

Kari Lake, Republican candidate for Arizona governor, speaks on stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Dallas, Friday, Aug. 5, 2022. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

(AP Photo/LM Otero)

Immediately after it became obvious that Kari Lake had won the Republican primary, she wasted no time in turning her attention to her opponent in this fall’s race for governor: Democrat Katie Hobbs, Arizona’s current Secretary of State. 

In a statement issued Thursday night, Lake said the election results “…took longer than they should have.” And said “… my opponent, Katie Hobbs, had one job in government and that was to ensure an efficiently processed election. She failed spectacularly.”

I’m confused.

In an earlier commentary, I said that you can either have fast or fraud-free elections. You can’t have both.

And yet, it seems that the same people who are complaining that it took forever for the Maricopa County Elections Department to count enough votes so that it finally became obvious that Lake won (time taken to make sure that no fraudulent ballots are cast), are the same folks complaining that there was massive fraud in the last election.

Many of the same people have suggested that the time that elapsed between the polls closing on Tuesday night and Lake’s victory declaration was used by Republican County Recorder Stephen Richer to try to figure out how to steal Lake’s win.

Some of those same people must be on the Maricopa County Republican Party’s executive committee — which voted to punish Richer with a censure. Even. Though. Lake. Won.

Things are certainly a lot kookier than when I worked in Republican politics over 10 years ago.

But I think Republicans should try to crank up the kooky campaigning even more!

(Here, hold my beer!)

Did you know that the two Democrats running in the two biggest statewide races — BOTH HAVE TWINS?!? 

100% true! (And starting with a little truth is the key to effectively seeding completely cuckoo conspiracy conjecture.)

Democratic candidate for governor Katie Hobbs’ twin sister, Becky, was not well known until Becky stepped to the podium Tuesday night to kick off Hobbs’ victory party festivities.

More well known is sitting Democratic U.S. Sen. Mark Kelly’s twin brother, Scott Kelly — who not only looks like Arizona‘s junior senator, but also like Mark Kelly, was an astronaut and a naval aviator.

I think Republicans can crank up the kookiness by suggesting that if you vote for Katie Hobbs or Mark Kelly, you can’t be sure who you’re really voting for — cuz what if it actually ends up being Becky or Scott serving out Katie’s and Mark’s term in office…?!?

They should be good at this argument because it’s something Republicans have been arguing for two years now: You don’t know for whom your votes are actually counted!

To ensure a fair election, Lake should insist that Hobbs get a face tattoo so the electorate can tell her apart from her twin sister.

Now, when it comes to telling Mark and Scott Kelly apart you can actually use their DNA — something that’s usually virtually indistinguishable in identical twins. But Scott Kelly spent almost an entire year in space, which changed his DNA just enough so you can tell the difference between him and Mark Kelly.

Although, a face tattoo may be suggested there as well — because won’t the Republicans just accuse 23andMe of rigging those results? 

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Why Kari Lake should tell Katie Hobbs to get a face tattoo