The time has finally arrived, folks! It’s Super Bowl 50 weekend!
(Can I get an AMEN?!)
So, let get the game started already!
Wait, what? We need to secure Levi Stadium first? Alright, that makes sense.
Hold on, did I just see an Apache Helicopter? Is that a Navy SEAL team over there? Oh, no, wait, that’s just the police.
What do you mean the FAA won’t let me fly a drone within 32 miles of the stadium?
Is this an NFL game or a meeting of world leaders having an arm wrestling match with the Pope?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you security theater!
Here are your stars of the show: DHS, TSA, CBP, ICE, Coast Guard, Secret Service, FEMA, Office of Intelligence and Analysis, and the National Protection and Programs Directorate.
Yes, even ICE will be there.
Why, you ask? They will be cracking down on anybody hocking counterfeit tickets, jerseys, and basically anything using NFL logos without permission.
Oh, but let’s not forget about the Domestic Nuclear Detection Office, who will be deploying Mobile Detection Units. Yup, you heard me — mobile nuclear detection units.
But we will all sleep better knowing that F-15s will be on standby, just in case a ticket scalper decides to make a run for it.
I almost forgot about the “sniffing boxes” that have been placed on light poles around the city. These are strategically stationed to detect any nefarious scents in the air, like the guy that went to the all-you-can-eat Mexican food buffet the night before.
So in the America vs. terrorism Super Bowl, the score sits at America: 2, terrorists: 0 — for the safety.
(You see what I did there? Ha!)
Enjoy the game, folks.