For this Black mom, Ralph Yarl could have been her son

Apr 24, 2023, 5:48 AM | Updated: 11:28 am

Kia Breaux, right, plays ball with her sons Jaden, 14, left, and John, 17, in front of their home i...

Kia Breaux, right, plays ball with her sons Jaden, 14, left, and John, 17, in front of their home in Kansas City, Mo., Friday, April 21, 2023. The recent shooting of Black teenager Ralph Yarl by an 84-year-old white man when Yarl mistakenly went to the wrong address in a nearby neighborhood, has shaken many Black residents in the predominantly white region of the city. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)
Credit: ASSOCIATED PRESS

(AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) — On April 13, the nightmare that I’d worried about ever since we moved into our neighborhood came true.

That was the day that I learned 16-year-old mistakenly ringing a doorbell at the wrong house while trying to pick up his younger brothers from a playdate. And even as I anguished over what happened to him, one thing kept echoing in my mind: It could have been my child.

John, my older son, is 17 and attends the same high school as Ralph. It’s common for me to ask John to pick up his 14-year-old brother Jaden from various extracurricular activities. I’ve been cautious about what I ask John to do and where I ask him to go. I don’t know what might happen if he crosses paths with someone who feels threatened by the color of his skin.

That’s because the suburbs of Kansas City north of the Missouri River have long held a reputation of not being the most welcoming to Black families. While I’ve adjusted to the awkward stares and subtle racism, I’ve always had a nagging fear that something bad could happen if my sons ventured too far from home without me.

I became painfully aware that John shared that fear shortly after Ahmaud Arbery was gunned down by white men while jogging through a Georgia neighborhood in 2020. Like Arbery, John liked to jog through the neighborhood. Now, however, he was asking me to trail him in my car as he jogged through ours.

I felt like I’d failed as a mother. I had done everything I could to make him feel safe and protected, but he was afraid to run past the familiar, well-manicured lawns in the only neighborhood he’s ever known as home.

___

I knew there would be challenges when we moved in as one of the only Black families in the subdivision in 2005. But I figured the benefits would outweigh the drawbacks. Besides, you can’t run or hide from racism.

My ex-husband and I bought our home when John was just six weeks old — three years before Staley High School opened — because we wanted our children to receive a quality education. Our realtor touted plans for the state-of-the-art high school campus as a selling point. We loved the layout of the home on a half acre of land, and the sprawling backyard was perfect for the Irish setter we had at the time.

Some neighbors welcomed us with housewarming gifts of flowers and baked goods. Later, we were told that one family sold their house shortly after we moved in because they didn’t want to live near Black people. At a party at a neighbor’s house not long after that, a guest wondered out loud why Black people would want to live in a predominantly white neighborhood. “Wouldn’t they feel more comfortable living around their own people?”

Then there was the time I sent my then-husband to return a casserole dish a neighbor left at my house after a party. The former neighbor, whom we’d known for years at that point, opened the door and yelled, “We don’t want any. Go Away,” and slammed the door. She didn’t take the time to make out the face on the other side of the door. She just saw Black. She apologized profusely when she realized what she had done.

It touched John from very early on, too. He was in kindergarten when I had to confront some of the realities of raising a Black child in this predominantly white suburb. Silly me. I thought I’d have more time to prepare.

We were home one evening when I overheard John yell at the TV during a game of Wii boxing. “Take that, you jigaboo!” He could tell by my face that the word was more than a casual insult aimed at his virtual opponent. It took a while for me to coax out of him that a white kid at school had called him that name.

How do you explain to a 5-year-old why someone would call him that? I fumbled through it just as I’ve learned to fumble through raising my Black sons in an environment where their skin is considered by some to be a weapon.

These things happen. You block them out and you move on, but the subtle tension remains. No one wants to talk about it. Eventually you become numb. You avoid certain situations. It’s like walking on eggshells to avoid a landmine.

It becomes exhausting to try to shield my sons from the ugliness I know exists. John is dating now. If he plans to ask a white girl out, I always ask: “Do her parents know you are Black? Are they OK with it?”

___

When I heard what happened to Ralph, I cried. I haven’t slept well since, because it could have easily been John who was shot in the head after mistakenly going to NE 115th Street instead of NE 115th Terrace to pick up his brother.

Ralph’s mistake was an innocent one. In my neighborhood, address mix-ups happen all the time. Many houses are numbered identically, and sometimes the only difference in a street address is “terrace” versus “street” or “northwest” versus “northeast.”

We recently had a string of unexpected visits. Just after dawn one morning, we were awakened to men we didn’t hire inspecting tree damage in our backyard after a storm. A few days later, workers for a lawn-care company let themselves into our backyard to treat it for grubs.

The most troubling incident came when a man we didn’t know rang our doorbell in the middle of the day.

My husband and I, both working from home, couldn’t answer right away. By the time we got to the door, the man was in our backyard and fumbling around our back door. When my husband confronted him, he told us he was a contractor sent to measure our door for a replacement. We hadn’t ordered a door.

So it’s easy for me to see how mistakes happen. But it never occurred to me to grab my firearm and shoot these unexpected visitors. That simply isn’t the first option in the world that I’m working so hard to create for my family.

Since Ralph’s shooting, I’ve had a lot of friends check on us. My best friend, who lives in St. Louis, pointed out that Ralph looks a lot like Jaden, my younger son. I’d noticed the resemblance, too. I cried again.

___

I don’t regret moving here. My sons have outstanding teachers and coaches. They’ve excelled academically and developed valuable friendships with a diverse group of young people. I’ve met some of my closest friends in this neighborhood.

Yet as a Black woman in America, I rise each day knowing that I will invariably face small indignities tossed my way by white people who mistakenly believe they’re entitled to dismiss me because of my race.

I haven’t been called the “N-word,” nor have I been physically accosted. Racism in this part of the city is far more subtle, and if you’re not acutely aware of what to look for, it blows right past you.

I won’t say I’m used to misguided attempts to marginalize my presence, because I won’t accept being treated like I’m less than anyone else. But when it happens, I’m rarely surprised.

And I’ll also admit: It’s tiring for my family to have to go out of its way to make white people feel comfortable with our Blackness. We can’t peel off our skin; not that we would if we could. Everyone wants to proclaim, “I don’t see color,” when, in fact, that’s the first thing that they see when they see my sons. It’s hard to miss the only Black kid on the baseball diamond.

But on the playing field, at least, my boys generally get the benefit of the doubt that Ralph Yarl wasn’t given on that fateful night earlier this month.

___

Longtime Associated Press journalist Kia Breaux is currently Midwest regional sales director for the AP, based in Kansas City.

United States News

FILE - Philippe Lazzarini, Under-Secretary-General of the United Nations and Commissioner-General o...

Associated Press

UN agency for Palestinian refugees raises just $107 million of $300 million needed to help millions

UNITED NATIONS (AP) — Despite a dire warning from the U.N. chief that the U.N. agency for Palestinian refugees “is on the verge of financial collapse,” donors at a pledging conference on Friday provided just $107 million in new funds — significantly less than the $300 million it needs to keep helping millions of people. […]

1 day ago

FILE - Cherokee Nation Chief Chuck Hoskin Jr., speaks during a House Rules Committee hearing at the...

Associated Press

Hoskin seeks second term as leader of powerful Cherokee Nation

TAHLEQUAH, Okla. (AP) — Citizens of the Cherokee Nation — the largest Native American tribe in the U.S. — are set to decide whether Principal Chief Chuck Hoskin Jr. should lead the tribe for another four years as it enters a golden era after courts recognized its sprawling reservation and an operating budget of more […]

1 day ago

Associated Press

Biden expected to sign budget deal to raise debt ceiling

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Joe Biden is expected to sign legislation on Saturday to raise the debt ceiling, just two days before the U.S. Treasury warned that the country would struggle to pay its bills. The bipartisan measure, which was approved this week by the House and Senate, eliminates the potential for an unprecedented government […]

1 day ago

Boats jockey for position minutes before the opening of the Sitka Sound sac roe herring fishery on ...

Associated Press

Tragedy that left 5 dead or missing puts spotlight on safety in Alaska charter fishing industry

JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) — Morgan Robidou posed next to the bright aluminum hull of his prized new vessel, a 30-foot (9-meter) fishing boat that he could use to take friends, family or tourists out after salmon or halibut in the bountiful waters of southeast Alaska. “Official boat owner,” he wrote when he posted the photo […]

1 day ago

A bee arrives at a hive on the roof of the Warren Rudman U.S. Court House, Friday, May 5, 2023, in ...

Associated Press

Buzzworthy: Honeybee health blooming at federal facilities across the country

CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — While judges, lawyers and support staff at the federal courthouse in Concord, New Hampshire, keep the American justice system buzzing, thousands of humble honeybees on the building’s roof are playing their part in a more important task — feeding the world. The Warren B. Rudman courthouse is one of several federal […]

1 day ago

FILE - A TV screen shows an image of North Korea's rocket launch during a news program at the Seoul...

Associated Press

US, allies clash with Russia, China over North Korea’s failed military spy satellite launch

UNITED NATIONS (AP) — The United States and its allies clashed with Russia and China on Friday over North Korea’s failed launch of a military spy satellite this week in violation of multiple U.N. Security Council resolutions, which Moscow and Beijing refused to condemn. The confrontation was the latest over the North’s escalating nuclear, ballistic […]

1 day ago

Sponsored Articles

...

OCD & Anxiety Treatment Center

5 mental health myths you didn’t know were made up

Helping individuals understand mental health diagnoses like obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder or generalized anxiety disorder isn’t always an easy undertaking. After all, our society tends to spread misconceptions about mental health like wildfire. This is why being mindful about how we talk about mental health is so important. We can either perpetuate misinformation about already […]

...

Desert Institute for Spine Care

Spinal fusion surgery has come a long way, despite misconceptions

As Dr. Justin Field of the Desert Institute for Spine Care explained, “we've come a long way over the last couple of decades.”

(Photo by Michael Matthey/picture alliance via Getty Images)...

Cox Communications

Valley Boys & Girls Club uses esports to help kids make healthy choices

KTAR’s Community Spotlight focuses on the Boys & Girls Club of the Valley and the work to incorporate esports into children's lives.

For this Black mom, Ralph Yarl could have been her son