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Non-native Arizonans: Don’t tell me your winters were worse

Alert! If you own a brass monkey bring it inside.

It’s cold enough outside to cause serious damage. Listen, all of you Arizonans who were raised in Minnesota or North Dakota or Canada, don’t you dare talk to us about how our recent weather is nothing compared with your winters growing up. I don’t want to hear about it.

You want to know why? I never wanted to live in those places because they’re cold.

I came to Arizona because it’s warm, or at least it was before this cold front moved in. But it’s not just my front that’s cold. My back, my top and, yes, even my bottom are freezing.

And don’t tell me it’s invigorating either. It’s impossible for me to be energetic getting into my car in the morning when I can’t move to turn on the ignition key. I know the NHL lockout lasted a long time, but people are playing hockey on their pools here in the Valley of the Sun.

Annie and the forecasters say, “The sun’ll come out tomorrow.”

I say, “Where is global warming when I need it?”

I’m Pat McMahon.