JIM SHARPE

Opinion: Heat wave hitting Phoenix is all jokes until someone dies

Jun 19, 2017, 4:22 AM | Updated: 11:14 am
Hikers brave the afternoon sun as the temperatures hit 110-degrees Thursday, June 15, 2017, in Phoe...

Hikers brave the afternoon sun as the temperatures hit 110-degrees Thursday, June 15, 2017, in Phoenix. Temperatures are expected to climb to 120-degrees in the metro area in the next week. (AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)

(AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)

There’s hot, there’s REALLY hot and then there’s “I think my bones are getting bleached right through my skin” hot!

The kind of heat where you don’t fry an egg on the sidewalk, you evaporate an egg on the sidewalk.

That’s what we’re facing this week in Phoenix and, if you’ve never experienced it before, there’s good news and there’s bad news.

First, the good news: It earns you bragging rights with your family and friends in other parts of the country.

Now the bad news: You have to live through it in order to brag.

I told the story on the air before about a game I used to play with Paulie, the guy who produced my morning show in New Orleans.

He was convinced that New Orleans weather was more uncomfortable than Phoenix’s. Every morning, we would whip out a copy of USA Today (hey, it was the ‘90s and we still read actual newspapers), flip to the page that had the weather map and read the one-word description for each city trying to outdo each other.

One particular day, Paulie delightedly pointed to the paper while yelling, “Sweltering!” This prompted me to grab the paper and point to Phoenix, whereupon I exclaimed, “Torrid!”

I won.

Having spent a few years in the Midwest and the South, I can tell you humidity sucks. I really do prefer the dry air of my home state of Arizona.

But, as I’ve also pointed out before, the term dry heat sounds an awful lot like dry heave.

While this weekend’s high temperatures were not completely ridiculous, highs near (or even above!) 120 degrees Tuesday and Wednesday make me consider booking a staycation at the Hades Resort and Spa located next to the Lake of Fire (See Revelation 20:11).

All joking aside, people will die in this heatwave. Make sure it’s not you, your kids or your neighbors.

Please check on your older neighbors, even if you feel like you’re being nosy. Of course, keep an eye on your pets. They can’t open doors or get themselves a bottle of water out of the fridge.

As someone who grew up in Arizona and has lived in its southern deserts for most of my life, I have to admit even a small part of me wanted to go out and do some yard work this weekend just to show the heat who’s boss. But I didn’t.

You know why? Because it’s stupid.

I also know that I will still get tons of credit when it hits 120 degrees because everybody back east won’t know if I went outside or not.

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Opinion: Heat wave hitting Phoenix is all jokes until someone dies