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Want to buy some uranium ore? Amazon has you covered

Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Well we have a gift idea for you! For the low, low price of $39.95 plus shipping, you can give the gift that truly says “I love U” — a can of uranium ore.

You may be asking yourself, “is it safe?” or “how is it delivered?” The fine folks in the questions and comments section have you covered.

Q: If I opt for air mail does it get delivered by Amazone [sic] Prime Air or CIA drones?

A: No sir, just give us your coordinate and we will deliver it via intercontinental missile in less than an hour, guaranteed speed.

Well isn’t that convenient.

When purchasing anything, customer reviews are a must-read. That is certainly the case with this product.

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty. – Patrick J. McGovern

Remember high school biology?

I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan. – Lawrence Gonzalez

The horror. The horror.

I thought I was ordering Uranium 235. This stuff is not fissionable and not at all appropriate for building a death ray or small nuclear reactor. – anon pd

I hope this person kept the receipt.

I got a free cat in the box with this purchase but I’m not sure if I should open it to see if the cat is ok. – Ellya

That’s a question for Erwin Schrödinger.

Purchase some uranium ore today and remember, according to the product’s description, “Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific use only.”