Share this story...
Park rangers stand talking together as the morning sun illuminates the Grand Tetons in Grand Teton National Park, north of Jackson Hole, Wyo., Friday, Aug 26, 2016. The National Park Service is celebrated its 100th birthday the day before. (AP Photo/Brennan Linsley)
Latest News

I can get behind the National Park Service overseeing the nation’s security

President Donald Trump kept one of his campaign promises Monday when he donated his first three months of salary to the National Park Service.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer did the honors at his daily press briefing.

“The president is personally proud to contribute the first quarter of his salary to the important mission of the Park Service, which is preserving our country’s national security,” Spicer said.

He then handed a check for $78,333 to Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke and Harpers Ferry National Historical Park Superintendent Tyrone Brandyburg, although he did so minus an oversized check, which I thought would’ve been a nice touch.

But wait a second! Something that Spicer said has me thinking! Let’s review:

“…the important mission of the Park Service … is preserving our country’s national security.” (Emphasis mine)

Not preserving America’s natural wonders, but instead preserving national security?

Surely, Spicer misspoke. Or did he?

Trump can’t seem to trust the intelligence agencies that we have – especially with these reports that former National Security Advisor Susan Rice was the person who unmasked the names of his transition team members who were caught up in incidental electronic surveillance and sent that information around the intelligence community.

Now might be the perfect time to put a new agency in charge of national security! And why not the National Park Service?

It would be an excellent way for the park service to pay back the president for dissing his inauguration crowd sizes and tweeting about global warming without his permission.

It would make it very easy for Trump to keep track of everybody who’s watching over our national security because they’d all be wearing Smokey Bear hats. There’s less chance of spilling national secrets if you always know the headgear the people who are allowed to hear them should be wearing.

And think of the resources that the park service has at its disposal! Places such as the Grand Canyon, which is perfect for dangling a terrorist over the edge when you ask him about his plans and his associates.

Think of how enhanced interrogations could be with the help of a large Kodiak bear.

And, if all else fails, our new heroes of national security could just plunk Mr. Terrorist down in a chair on top of Old Faithful and start counting very loudly.

The more I think about this, the more I like it, especially when you take into consideration all the illegal spying against American citizens in which these security agencies have engaged. The park service won’t be using our smart TVs to listen in on our conversations. Their spying technology really tops out with smoke-spotting towers and binoculars.

But what they would miss out on when it comes to technology, they would make up for in just plain, old outdoorsy-cool: Can you imagine them tracking, tranquilizing and tagging an international bad guy like they would a Mexican gray wolf?

I’m still open to the idea that Spicer misspoke. But dumber ideas have come out of Washington, D.C. than putting the National Park Service in charge of “preserving our country’s national security.”

In fact, I’m fairly certain several hundred much dumber ones are being discussed at this very moment.

Related Links