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Updated Sep 14, 2016 - 11:31 am

Don’t bean sad: World’s largest Starbucks is not opening in Phoenix

PHOENIX — We’d hate to be the ones to burst your caffeinated bubble, but the world’s largest Starbucks is not opening in downtown Phoenix.

A fake story began circulating over the weekend that the coffee giant was planning to build a location that would seat 2,155 people, more than double the size of the actual largest cafe in the world.

While that sounds like a good sign for the city, we started noticing some rather odd plans for a Starbucks location. The 560 flavors of coffee and a restaurant sounded great, but the idea of a carousel, roller coaster and ferris wheel sounded a little far-fetched.

The store was supposedly going to occupy some space on the corner of Seventh Avenue and Roosevelt Street in downtown Phoenix. There’s some room there, but we’re not sure a three-story, 51,000-square-foot monument to coffee would even fit.

Factually, the story is riddled with clear errors. Links do not go to a specific source or simply redirect back to the main story, quotes seem unbelievable — “I’m also relieved that the Children’s Hospital that was planned for this location is now permanently put on hold; what an eyesore that would have been” — and the fact that it’s scheduled to open in less than two months with no construction underway are just a few of the red flags.

Add in the fact that a known prankster, Paul Horner, told the Phoenix New Times he was behind the article and the dream of a coffee-fueled megapark in the Valley is officially dead.

For the record, Horner is the same guy responsible for the rumored all-robot staff at a Phoenix McDonald’s.

To make it perfectly clear: The Starbucks story is fake. It won’t be built in downtown, it won’t have a petting zoo and it won’t have a log flume.

But if the coffee giant is ready to take some of Horner’s ideas and add them to each location, might we recommend the water slide? It sounds fun.

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