You may not be able to see it, but I have my right hand raised.
I have no fingers crossed, no sneaky smile that says what I am about to say really isn't the truth: I swear I will never make fun of soccer again, and that's for the rest of, what I hope will be, a long and happy life.
To say I was transfixed by the soccer game between the U.S. and Canada doesn't even tell the story.
I have watched volleyball with interest because I have a background as a volleyball player. I have, at times, dabbled in a number of Olympic sports -- swimming and diving come to mind -- and I watched them from time to time. Ping pong -- I actually thought I could play until I saw the Olympic game -- much different from my own style.
I had no interest at all in basketball, I can watch the pros on TV any time and against a more competitive team than any in Great Britain. In fact, the ease with which American basketball scrubbed everyone else was embarrassing.
I mention these things only to emphasize how I could not move for the hours of women's soccer played out by Canada and the U.S. That may be the most exciting sports event I have ever seen.
I saw our Diamondbacks win a world series. In 1993, I watched the Suns almost win a championship ("almost" may be over call), but the competition between Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley had us all on our feet. That one-point loss was hard to swallow. All thrilling, but none will ever equal the soccer match from which I could not take my eyes.
And America won.
I don't know how long a goalkeeper is allowed to hold a ball. I am told 6 seconds. Canada's goalkeeper apparently held a ball longer than that and was penalized. There are always questionable calls in every sport. We live with that.
But then in the 123rd minute of play -- boy, do you get your money's worth in soccer -- Alex Morgan leaped into the air and headed the ball into the net to win for the U.S.
I could breath again. If you ever hear me say, "Soccer, I'd rather watch paint dry" you have my permission to slap me.
I may even learn to say "nil" instead of zero.