7 mistakes to avoid when sleeping

Sleeping is one of the most natural functions of the human body; we do it every day, and so we should be experts . . . right? Wrong! The number of people getting up on the wrong side of the bed proves that bad sleeping practices are a national epidemic. Here are 7 mistakes to avoid making if you want to keep the bags under your eyes from turning into gunny sacks:

1. Sleeping on riprap. Sure, we all like to listen to the lap of the water on the shore, but trying to snooze on hard and pointy rocks along a shoreline won’t work. You’ll wake up with a kink in your back the size of Lake Powell, not to mention the threat of mermen who like nothing better than to collect human eyebrows – sometimes with the face still attached!
2. Going to bed tired. You can’t concentrate when you’re exhausted; the brain refuses to function normally. So always take a nap before going to bed; once you feel awake and refreshed you can lie down and do calculus or Sudoku in your mind; that way you’ll get up next morning bush-eyed and brighty tailed!
3. Wearing hiking boots to bed. It’s true this is a great way to squash bedbugs, but boots, especially those with spikes on the soles, tend to rip up your sheets and blankets so you wind up trying to catch forty winks in a ragbag. The same goes for wearing golf shoes to bed. Rented bowling shoes in bed are okay, if you can stand the smell.
4. Eating a heavy meal after you’re asleep. Sleep eating is the number one cause of snoring, choking and drooling – all of which you can do just as well when you’re awake and eating. We suggest you rub your lips with a clove of garlic prior to going to bed; that will not only suppress your food appetite, but every other kind of appetite as well!
5. Sleep in an ugly bedroom. If your bedroom is aesthetically unpleasing, consider remodeling it. Rip down that Rocky III poster and put up something pastel with unicorns. Bring in some potted plants. Hang valences around your bed. Lay down a carpet of Persian lamb’s wool. Light some bayberry candles. Install a whirling dervish. As you go to bed, wondering how you are going to pay off your credit card now that you have bought all these expensive furnishings, we guarantee you’ll sleep like a pauper.
6. Keep the windows shut. Poor ventilation causes more divorces than anything else except cheating at Uno. Sharing all that fug with another person is simply an invitation to homicide! Get all the fresh air you can when you sleep; in fact, we recommend relocating your bed in the branches of a sturdy tree. Just remember that the first step out of bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night is a long one.
7. Greasing your pillow case with mutton fat. Popular in Australia, this practice does clear up your complexion and automatically style your hair; but the downside is once you get it in your ears the rams won’t leave you alone.

Tim Torkildson is a humor content provider. His work appears regularly in the St Paul Pioneer Press and through Deseret News Services. His blog is at http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ His hobbies include lycanthropy and boondoggling.